I Don't Care
by Lucky Evil Elephants
Summary: Craig and, for lack of a better term, his "friends", "enjoy" a few "average" days in the town of South Park, Colorado.
1. PrologueChapter I

Prologue-Craig's Introduction.

It seems to me that my entire life has just been a waste of time. As a child and teenager, I never really cared about school, friends, or anything for that matter. As I reflect back on these times in my adulthood, I still don't care for anything. But it sometimes seems to me that my utter disregard and carelessness for, well, everything, has taken a toll on me over the years. I ended up sharing a small, one bedroom apartment with my old friend Tweek. We both currently work at his parent's coffee shop. Tweek serves the customers, while I clean up the place in various ways. I don't care for my work, but I've come to face the fact that, while we all don't care for certain things, at some point in our dreary lives we're going to have to do them.

My name is Craig Tucker, and I don't give a shit.

Chapter One-HALO®.

It was a boiling day in the town of South Park, Colorado, which is rather unusual. At this point in time, I was seventeen years of age, and attended South Park High School every day. I always referred to school as a place where society tries to flay their children into shape. I know, I got that from a Pink Floyd song, but it is true. I didn't let the heat bother me, and therefore I was walking home today instead of catching a ride. My feet burnt and sweated in my old, worn sneakers.

I don't care for the heat.

I arrived home at my usual time, 3:30 on the dot. My mother inquired about school, but I ignored her question and walked up the stairs to my room, where I shut and locked the door. I plopped down my backpack and walked over to the television and XBOX 360 setup. I turned the console and TV on, and began a game of Halo 3 to forget about the things I didn't care about. But alas, not ten seconds into the game and the flashing reminder at the bottom of the screen appeared:

"BigBoned wants you to join an XBOX Live party."

I opened the invite, and saw the extended version, which stated that he also wanted to play Halo. I scrolled down to "Reply" and pressed A. I grabbed my chat pad, a little keyboard that you could attach to the remote, and typed out, "I don't care." I then pressed Start and continued my game. But another ten seconds in, and:

"BigBoned sent you a message."

I opened the message, and it said, "BigBoned sent you a voice message." I went to "Play Voice" and pressed A. I heard Eric Cartman's angry voice through my headset saying, "JOIN OUR HALO GAME, YOU FUCKING WHORE!" I sighed and went back to the list of messages I had received. I found the invite, opened it, and went to "Accept". I hesitated, and then pressed A.

A few seconds later and I was in their party and ready to play. I looked at the members of our party, and found that I was playing with BigBoned, ImDaMan (Clyde Donovan), BroFlo (Kyle Broflovski), hellokitty123 (Leopold "Butters" Stotch), coffeeee (Tweek Tweak), OrangeJacket (Kenny McCormick), and Love2Spooge (Stan Marsh). I greeted everyone with a "Hey", and we began our game. The seven of us and a random person from somewhere in the world formed one team, and eight random people formed the other. I heard the three beeps as our match begun. I took a deep breath, and began.

I was no longer Craig Tucker. I was now iDontCare, a Spartan warrior who spent his whole life obliterating aliens. I looked around me, and noticed that everyone on my team was huddled against a corner, doing nothing.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" I spoke into my headset.

"Camping," said Stan, "It's a strategy. We stand here and wait for the enemy to come to us."

I thought about it, then spoke in a slow, measured voice, "Fuck that."

iDontCare ran away from the rest of the blue team and towards the other end of the map. Once he got close enough, he zoomed in on the enemies and saw that they were all camping as well. iDontCare ran towards them, firing the whole time, and annihilated every person on the red team.

I heard fifteen people, all saying, "Whoa!" at the same time as eight messages came up on the left of the screen, each saying, "iDontCare killed…"

I repeated this strategy until the fifteen minutes was over. My team had 120 points. The other had zero. All the points had come from me.

We entered a new match with Clyde as our party leader, meaning he got to choose the next map we should play on.

"What map should we play next, guys? Van Halen?" Clyde inquired.

"You mean Valhalla?" I replied.

"That's what I said. Van Halen."

"No, Valhalla. Like the mystical place. Not the band."

"Ah, okay." Clyde said, then paused. "Van Halen it is, then?"

I sighed at Clyde's retardation, then said, "Fine."

In the middle of that match, Cartman brought up an idea.

"Hey guys, wanna go to Stark's Pond tomorrow?"

I heard almost everyone say "Sure." But Stan, it seemed, had other plans.

"Hmm, I don't know, dude," stated Stan. "I have a date with Wendy tomorrow."

"So bring her along, fucking faggot!" Cartman snapped.

"Alright, I will. I'm sure she'll enjoy that."

"AND WHAT ABOUT CRAIG?" Tweek inquired.

There was a moment of silence. I sighed, then mumbled,

"Okay."

"Alright then, it's settled," Cartman said. "We'll meet at Stark's Pond at ten AM. Bring your own lunch."

We played a few more rounds of Halo, and then I went to bed. But I didn't sleep. I never sleep, because I don't care about it.


	2. Chapter 2KFC

Chapter Two-Kentucky Fried Chicken.

I wouldn't have woken up the next morning if I hadn't gotten a call from Stan. It was about 9 AM when my phone rang. I had never bothered to change my ringtone from the default, which was an annoying little tune. I remember waking up that morning-

_Darkness. Black. An annoying buzz in the distance. Getting louder, louder, until I recognized the individual notes. Soon, the room faded into view, and I knew where to find and stop the ringing._

I picked up my phone and checked the caller ID.

"DOUCHE."

I gave all my contacts nicknames. For example, Cartman's number was saved as "FATASS." Douche was Stan. I picked up the phone and answered it reluctantly.

"Hello?"

"Hey dude, can you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"I need a ride to Stark's Pond today. Nobody else would drive me."

"Why can't you ride with Wendy?"

"She took the bus, she doesn't have a car. And I don't have any change, or a bus pass. Can you take me?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess."

"Thanks dude. I owe you one."

"No problem, I guess."

"Okay, can you pick me up at 9:45?"

I sighed. "Sure."

"Great. See you then."

Click.

NINE FORTY FIVE AM.

I pulled up to Stan's house in my ancient Honda that I had purchased for only petty cash. I rolled to a stop and honked the horn. I waited a moment, and then Stan jogged out of his house. He got about halfway down the driveway before I heard-

"STAAAAHN."

The unmistakable voice of Randy Marsh, Stan's father. He ran out after Stan in a green robe, and handed him a set of keys.

"You forgot these, Stan. Enjoy the pond."

"Thanks, dad."

"No problem, son." Randy began a casual walk back up the driveway, but five feet into the walk and his robe fell off, leaving his ass exposed to the world. He didn't seem to notice, and walked at the same pace.

_Wow, Randy Marsh is a fucking weird dude, _I thought.

Stan opened the car door, and stepped in.

"Hey dude, what's up?"

I stared. I didn't expect any dialogue, considering me and Douche had never really talked anyway.

"…Not much."

"Oh shit," Stan said with sudden realization, "I forgot to bring lunch. Wanna stop at Burger King?"

"No."

"No?"

"I want KFC." I was driving; I should be able to choose what kind of shitty food we'd have to choke down. And I didn't want Stan to get his way yet again.

"We'll stop at KFC."

"No, we won't."

"Yes, Stan. You're going to eat at KFC and you're going to fucking like it."

"You know Craig, you don't have to be a dick about everything."

"I can be a dick about whatever the fuck I want to be. We're going to KFC, and that's that."

Stan sighed. "Alright, dude."

The drive wasn't as miserable as I expected it to be. We pretty much breezed right in. And the stop at KFC was actually quite interesting.

I pulled into the drive-thru to find that the path was clear. I headed to the first window, and braked suddenly. Stan lurched forward and hit his head on the dashboard. I chuckled to myself, and then turned to the window. There stood an old woman, and she didn't look please with her job.

"Wouldja like ta order sumthin'?"

"Yeah, we'll take a bucket of Original Chicken, with a side of mashed potatoes and biscuits."

"Alright." She pressed a few buttons on a register, and told us what we owed her.

"Oh, and can we have extra gravy?" Stan butted in, leaning over me and out the window.

She nodded, and told us she'd have to charge us extra for the gravy.

"What?" I asked, then added, "How much?"

"Tree-fiddy."

"So you're charging me an extra three fifty for fucking gravy? What the hell?"

"Sir, I don't make the prices, I jest enforce 'em."

I sighed. "Alright."

She directed us to the next window, where we threw some cash at another guy.

"Uh, sir," he said, "You're tree-fiddy short."

I groaned and reached again for my wallet. I pulled out a five and shoved my hand towards the guy inside. He tugged at the bill, but I wouldn't let it go.  
"Dude, just give him the money!" This from Stan.

I allowed my fingers to slip from the bill. He took it, and put it into a cash register. He pulled out my change, and passed it to me.

"Next window, sir."

Almost there. I drove up to the last window, and received my chicken, as well as a second small box. I thanked whoever was behind the window, and was about to drive off when I heard a familiar voice.

"Stan? And Craig?"

Wendy's old friend Bebe.

"Bebe? Since when do you work at KFC?" I asked.

"Oh, only a couple of weeks. I'm trying to save up some money to buy a decent car."

Once again, Stan leaned over me, this time to greet Bebe.

"Can you stop doing that?" I asked.

Stan ignored me.

"Hey guys," Bebe interrupted, "Could you do me a favor and not tell anyone that I work here? It's kinda...you know."

Douche leaned over me for the third time and said, "Sure, we won't mention it." When he sat back up, I socked him in the arm.

"Thanks guys." Bebe said. "Oh, and I'm required to say [here her voice dropped into a bored monotone] 'Thanks for eating at KFC. Please come again soon.'"

Stan leaned over me again and said, "Okay, see ya soon Bebe!"

Once he sat back up, I brought my fist down again, only this time on his groin. He groaned, and we pulled out of the drive-thru.

Stan began: "You know, I never noticed how cool that-"

"Dude, just shut the fuck up." I cut him off.


End file.
